Penis Envy

Sorry this is going to ramble a bit...but stay tuned kiddos...I promise there's a point (pun)!

Okay so I don't believe in coincidences. I trust that there's a divine order to everything. It's up to us to get it.

The other day I posted a blog about how fabulous my yummy hubby is  blah blah blah, & how I'm learning to accept all that he does.

Okay so this morning I wake up after having this vivid dream about us.

Note: I rarely ever have dreams about us, and I barely ever remember any dreams that I have. So this is a two-for-one! A bonus!

In the dream he has planned the wedding we never had (we married at a courthouse), complete with our family & friends, he's already picked out my dress...I am loving my dress (great choice hubby) it's white & adorned in lace & pearls, scoop neck, singed waist, it flares beautifully down to the floor, it's fits me like a glove ( I have now seen the dress I never got to wear..wow..thanks subconscious)...the venue is all set...but wait....

I'm making my way to the alter but I don't see my bridal bouquet & where the hell are my shoes...so what do I do...I dart out of there (Kasey style...my bff Kasey left our Jamaica resort on her wedding day to get cash from an ATM to pay for her pictures...by herself)...gown on & all into this Lexington Market-esque place looking for shoes & flowers....follow me now....

My hubby is attempting to give us the wedding we never had & I left to get shoes & a bouquet...in my wedding gown!!! 

I find one shoe vendor...a little old lady & she gives me glass slippers...(yup I'll wait...)

I run past fried chicken, fresh produce & huge rows of caught fish to find the one person in the whole place that sells flowers...he gives them to me & the birds start chirpping, alarm goes off, dream is over....

I'm in the shower now thinking this is some craziness...this is the 2nd dream I've had about my husband in less than a week...that NEVER happens...I start laughing almost uncontrollably at my hubby's reaction to my last dream...

See we're in our living room up in the corner "time out" style like we're being punished. I look at him & say "On your mark, get set....Go!" We both grab our dicks and start stroking to see who can cum the fastest!  I'm no match for his hand job & he beats me (pun) to the finish.

I had this dream Saturday night...waited a few days to tell him...this is some sick stuff! He just just gives me this serious comfuzzled look and shakes his head.

See I wasn't weirded out because I had a dream about having a penis...I was mad because not only did he cum first...his dick was bigger than mine!

Whoa! Simmer down Dai...okay breathe....

I know for sure that I prefer to have my perfectly orgasmic parts over his...I love being woman, I love my magical womb, my soft features, delicate skin....I wouldn't trans-gender these goodies for the world...

So why am I constantly trying to compete with this man? What's that you say Dai? Compete?

Epiphany...right there in the shower...

I'm competing with my husband just like I've competed with other men in my life...it didn't work before & it's driving me batty now.

I jump out the shower, grab my towel, & open the bathroom door wide as the light bathes him. He flinches..."I had an epiphany...Oh my bad you're sleep!"

"No, babe...I'm up...what's your epiphany?"

As I get dressed I tell him about the wedding dream & how I left to get more things on top of all that he's already done...how I didn't even ask him if he had the bouquet & shoes...just assumed he didn't which lead to my mad dash & missed dream wedding...I reminded him of my penis dream & how I was mad & weirded out for all the wrong reasons & then...

Right there, this morning, in our bedroom I, a lovely Dai, promised to stop trying to compete with him, I vowed to let him be the King of this castle, I promised to be more receptive & allow him to care for me as he sees fit, I promised to stop trying to one-up him on the most trivial of situations, and most of all I promised to continue to show my love and appreciation for all that he does.

My hubby looks at me & says..."You know...I don't really think you compete with me...but since you want to have the dominate role you can start by taking out the trash!"

On Being Lois

I have an unusual issue.

Well, not really an issue but more of an issue with a learning process.

See I asked God for an awesome man to share my life with...one that I could learn from & grow with.

And God opened  me up to see my yummy hubby Derrick (who was there all along). You'd think I'd be screaming Thank You Lawd from the mountain tops and you'd be right, except last night as he was washing dishes and admiring the cake he just baked I felt like complete crap. And from my mouth spewed the craziest statement ever spoken in the history of womanhood.

"I'm really tired of watching you wash dishes."

Yes, ladies...hold your weapons and allow me to explain...first, I cooked so it was only right I guess, secondly our son had been patiently waiting for Daddy to play a game...but Daddy didn't want to. Our daughter Lyric made a deal with Derrick to play with Josh. In exchange he agreed to do the dishes. But I also know that he got Josh up & out for school, did the grocery shopping, took Josh to speech therapy, and did not get any rest on his "day off". This is often how it goes...he works and when he's not working he's still working & doing things that I feel I should be doing. 

Truth is my husband is awesome...there I said. Sorry ladies...the man in the ish. And every time he does something for me I feel a little less empowered. There I said that too. I certainly don't mean ungrateful...that would be foolish...I mean the man busts his a$$ evenings, weekends, & holidays to take care of us & he can bake! And you know what else he does...he'll work all day, come home late at night & asks ME if I need anything...WTH! Of course, I usually have a hot meal waiting for him, and jammies to change into. But as quickly as I try to take care of him when he gets home he one-ups me by asking what I need. He knocks the wind out of me every time. This should be a nice gesture right? So why do I feel like this?

I was raised in an era where women held it down. We're groomed to be independent and take charge.To be educated and never have to depend on anyone for anything.We work, make our own living, take care of the little ones (heck in some cases we're the whole village), buy our own homes, have our own cars fixed...We've come a long way baby...

Regarding fixing things...since I've been with my husband he's fixed everything. In the first 6 months we were together I lost my job, my apt, & almost my car. I waited for him to head for the hills. But he didn't. He secured me a new place to live and loved me as I got back to work.

Our son was born years later with a severe lung infection & had to stay in the hospital. I risked losing my new job if I didn't go back to work when my leave expired. He said to hell with them. He allowed me to stay home, care for Josh (who came home at 3 months old), paid off my small credit card & student loan. All my worries were gone in a few clicks of the mouse. And then if he wasn't King Charming enough he bought us a new car & a house in a new state.

Of course we have our share of rubbish..who doesn't? But on the unwritten tally of who takes care of who more I am losing...BIG TIME.

Last summer my car...the 1st car I've ever financed, the one thing that I paid off, & yes the one I almost lost...finally died. She had a long run...in fact no one mourned that car but me. I boo hoo'd y'all...at work...in front of my co-workers. She was the only thing I contributed. She had been paid off for years.She came in my maiden name. She was the car my husband drove (yes he allows me to drive the nicer newer car while he risked getting stranded on highways from here to Bowie, MD). And now she was gone.  So after a 24 hour bereavement I jumped at the chance to do something for him...buy him a new car.

And wouldn't you know, although I qualified for a great rate on my own...it would be 0.5% less if hubby co-signed. Guess which option he chose? In the end, even with a car note that I pay I still feel like he bought his own car.

I know...I am completely trippin'...here's proof...other random craziness uttered at home:

Him: If I bake a cake, will you eat some?

Me: Babe did you get a nap in today? Well, did you at least get some rest?

Him: Babe, don't worry about the clothes I'll wash them tomorrow.

Me: Why don't you go play a video game or something?

Him: I put some extra money in the joint in case you need something.

Me:  We need to find you a hobby...

Maybe that's it! His hectic work schedule just doesn't allow for a lot of extra curriculars so in a lot of ways he uses his time to be helpful on the home front. I get it yet but I can't help feeling helpless every time he has to kick out money for something I need...last week it was new tires and brakes. I want to do these things myself. I don't want to......depend on him.

But back to my point...

There's an internal struggle going on between the dominate take charge me that I used to be and this softer domestic traditionalist me that I love & really am. I want to bring home the turkey bacon, fry it up in a pan & feed it to him!

In truth I want to care for him the way he cares for me. And I want him to feel secure that if anything happens I can hold down the fort.

The dynamic I live goes against everything I've ever experienced, seen, or heard about men & boyfriends. How many of us talked ish about our men? He needs a job! He ain't done ish all day asking me what's for dinner? The man ain't bought a roll of paper towels in his life. I ain't his mother! The least he could do is wash a load of clothes! He didn't even buy me a friggin card!! I do EVERYTHING around here!!!! LOL! You get my point.

For the first time in my life I got 99 problems but my man ain't one.

When I talk to other women and we drive through What-He-Did-Wrong-Today-Ville I don't relate in the same ways. Of course he's not perfect...news flash...no one is! Of course he's flawed (see last point). But to me he's awesome & seven years later I still have to remind myself that I'm worth it, that I deserve it, & that it's OKAY to let a man take care of me. Because as much as I want to be Superwoman I'm more like Lois Lane.

So ladies & gents how do you go from hurt & unhealthy relationships to accepting the great one that's right in front of you?

*Note: I let the hubby preview this. After all, this blog isn't anonymous. He wants you all to know that he ain't no punk but yes he does need a hobby!

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

So usually I don't do this but uh...

I'm checking out one of my fav blogs Very Smart Brothas  & YES!! the Champ sat through an episode of Basketball Wives on vh1 & had some interesting points on this train wreck of a show so I decided to piggy back on the comments I made there stretching them into this piece.

Not that we need proof or even give a rats ass for that matter but this dude Eric Williams...ahem...excuse me....this fugly dude Eric Williams is sitting with his wife Jennifer (the only actual wife on the show) at dinner and gave her a Groupie-I -Know-Why-You're-With-Me lesson in under 3 minutes...effin awesome....

Watch this...more after the break (skip to 7:51)



Ok...

1. This fugly dude knows just how fugly he is and asks his wife "What y'all call me, Jabber Jaws?" Really??? You have to be real confident with your fugly ass to even ask that question, but watch her response...it's like...yeah you sho is fugly...I can't believe this was the best I could do...damn...I can't even watch you eat them ribs...I wonder what Shaq's up to...

2. Jabber Jaws then has her call her friend Evelyn to her hook her up with one of his friends. When she declines he tells Jennifer to "Hang up, hang up" and she does with the quickness...it was subtle but there's no way on God's green earth you can be fugly & broke and lay the smack down on a sister like that and have her do as told...no fugly way that would happen in real life. Baby girl respect is just a minimum...

3. Jabber Jaws goes into Baller Logic about why dude's cheat on the road...stuff like, "Basketball is an emotional sport", "I ain't perfect, I made some mistakes...", and my fav, "I was trying to satisfy me at the time". To which Jennifer could only sit there nodding her weave...

4. Then to cap off their "marriage discussion night" she asks what he's doing later and he tells her he has some "clients" in town. Jennifer tries to invite herself and is shut down. By now he's even laughing at the absurdity of it all.


So to recap: They both know he's fugly but hey he's got a couple dollars...She'll do whatever Jabber tells her too, she is made to listen to him explain his way through the other countless Mrs. Jaws wannabes that he ran through 'cause "It's a man thing", and then he leaves to go entertain his "clients" while she sits and sulks. I mean really you can't make this stuff up!

I could get all psychological, feminist, and metaphysical on y'all but really this is way too funny to debate & take seriously...but I will...what do you think?

R&B Sleepers

So I'm cruising along my 25 mile commute jamming to my hubby's RnB shuffle on his iPod when it hits me. I love when my favorite songs aren't radio saturated. I feel like they're specially crafted just for me. But then I realized heck...hardly anyone has heard half of these songs because well...they had little to no airplay. Of course new artist need time to break but even once major artist have some sleeper hits as well.

So in case you missed it.

Here are a few of my fav most unappreciated R&B albums (album? does anyone still use this word?) in no particular order.

Tweet's Southern Hummingbird

Completely slept on perhaps due to her introduction as a self pleasure seeker the rest of the music went largely unheard. "Always Will", "Beautiful," & "Heaven" were some of the most hauntingly heartfelt music made in 2002 or since. I blame this sleeper on the lack of cohesiveness between the first single "Oops" and the rest of her songs. However, it's definitely worth a revisit.


Brandy's Aphrodisiac 

Lace front wigs and her hell bent intent to channel her inner Sasha Fierce in videos aside, this CD was pretty doomed from the start. Teaming up with Timberland on any given day sounds great in theory unless of course the world was still mourning the premature passing of Aaliyah and some of the tracks were reused and recycled for this project. That said lyrically there were a few gems. In "I tried" she laments "All I can see is your 'O' face giving my love away at some woman's place, maybe I should get a rag & wash my face, crying never kept you at home anyway" Done! She sends warning to the one who hurt her on "Focus" letting him know that "Every time I see you I'm reminded of every time we did it , & all them other women, and every time you lied to me, said you only had eyes for me." Ray J's sister was going through some things y'all.

Zhane's Pronounced Jah-Nay

Yup...when you have to explain how to pronounce your duo's name, that makes the music that harder to grasp. And yes I dug deep in the crates for this one but it still gets heavy rotation in my home. They have a laid back jazz sound that is both reminiscent of the 90s but plays like brand new today. Two of my favs "Love Me Today" and "Sending My Love" showcase their strong musical background and Philly sound.


Estelle's Shine

Besides "American Boy" which feels like a Gap clerk folding crew necks, London bred Estelle somehow manages to make this CD sound like a big bite of summer. "No Substitute Love" sounds like the grill getting fired up. "More Than Friends" feels like family rolling in with pasta & potato salad, and "Come Over" is the sweet sultry end of day sitting on the front porch waiting for the ice cream truck.


Chrisette Michele's I Am

Personal feelings aside (I kinda thinks she's a bit unstable & a tad touched) not a bad first offering. While "Best Of Me" had Vh1 written all over it, "Good Girl" & "Be Okay" were true sassy delights. On "In This For You" she really lets her voice rip as she lets her man know "he's making money, keeping me comfy, I wish you could see, you're all I need".  It finishes with "Is This The Way Love Feels" and I be damned if this song doesn't feel like the credits are rolling.


Raheem DeVaughn's The Love Experience

I know...I know...now on his 3rd album he's kinda on the come up, but back when this came out no one was checking for him outside the DMV. And although he completely whored me on twitter I'm still loyal to dude like Sisqo is to thongs and bleach. I digress...if "Guess Who Loves You More", "You", & "Believe" tell the tale of man longing for woman, "Ask Yourself" & "Breathe" tell what happens when he's made his conquest. Shining lines from "Breathe": "If you should feel thirsty, I'll be sure to bring you water, yes girl I candles that will slow burn longer, and I know your favorite love song and how you like it on repeat, and I was born a patient lover so I'll start with your feet." I know right? That song alone deserves a fresh listen.


The floor is open...

Subliminal Hush Hour

420

My introduction was early.

I knew what a dime bag was before I was a dime.

I could weigh bags by sight alone.

I can roll a J with 3 fingers.

I was a world class seed picker.

Funnier...I didn't know for years that sandwich baggies could be used for actual sandwiches.

But I have never ever ever ever ever smoked this stuff. It didn't make sense and if it didn't make sense it didn't make cents.

Let me make it clear...I'm sure I've been high at least 3 times but....I have never ever smoked this stuff.

Me smoking weed would be like craving bacon in a pig slaughterhouse and I don't do swine either.

I've seen or heard all the half-baked-get-high stories I've ever needed to know by the time I started growing ta ta's.

I watched family & friends open the gate to find their way to the next more potent endeavor.

Seen someone fail their senior year for the love of it.

And for all the munch-tastic fun that it provided it just never appealed to me.

But enjoy everyone...oh & thank you...I'll get high on something else.

Platonic friENDships!

I've always prided myself on having the coolest group of guy friends. I've loved them for their candor, their wit, their funny bones, their tell-it-like-it-is/isn't ways...I love their insight into my womanly kind. I love their brotherhood. I love the "I got this" attitude, the "I'll take out the trash", and the "Get back in the car, I'll pump the gas." They are oh so versatile!

I've loved them since I was 5 playing with Jason on the playground (you know). He had the coolest Legos!!

In 5th grade it was Elliot McClain (real name). He was all green eyed and funny and I was his ride or play chick!

Damian was the Kevin to my Winnie and we explored the Wonder Years together.

By middle school I had a crew...Joey, Brian, Michael, Keith...they were my New Edition. We entered talent shows together, broke curfew together, and trampled freshly vacuumed carpets together.

High school gave me Brandon. He was by far the coolest dude I've ever had the pleasure of hanging with. No other guy was rocking Earth, Wind & Fire, Wu Tang, Sade, and the Isley Brothers like him. He read my poetry. Loved my family. But also had this innate fear of dying before he reached 18. A strange dichotomy which made him live to the fullest!

Right before college I met Michael. He was a neighbor recently back from Africa on a missionary trip. This guy was so cool and sweet & pure I didn't even curse around him. He was a virgin when he married his wife.

My twenties gave me the same core group of friends that I have now. Aaron, Nate, Korey, and last but never ever least my yummy hubby Derrick!

We blossomed out of friendship. We did everything & nothing together...until one day on the miniature golf course...he started flirting with me...& that time when I offered to help him study and he came to my house with no books!!! Which lead to the kiss...which lead to us...and married life with kids & a mortgage...whew!

Until 8 years ago I thought I could have platonic friendships forever! I truly (naively) believed that men and women could be free to be Just Friends! HA!

The more I look back the more I discover that I was sincere with my guy friends but they all seemed to be waiting for the right opportunity to change their position (except for Derrick where the feelings were mutually). In fact let's go back again...

Jason always wanted to hold my hand. Elliot made excuses for me to be his partner in every school project and field trip. Damian was my shoulder to lean on when I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me with a married older woman...then he turned around & proposed to me later that same night...ring included!

My New Edition all tried to go from Boys to Men with me in mind.

And even Brandon told his whole family that he would marry me one day. Then he cursed me when I became pregnant with my daughter Lyric Asia. Years later he would name his first daughter Asia Lyric. A little sick right!




Michael went from missionary trips abroad to trying to be missionary with me!

As for my current group of guy friends. It hasn't been the same since Derrick & I started dating. Our relationship (as crazy as it sounds) was scandalous because someone else liked me, but I didn't like him, and other people thought we were already together, and he & Derrick were best friends. He & I were close friends. In fact I miss this guy friendship most of all. People took sides and actively debated whether Derrick and I should be together. The whos and whys deserve a separate blog of their own...one that I'm still not prepared to write. We're all passed it now...I think.

But it was this incident that swayed me. I know how awful the friend box is...okay maybe I don't. But if I put you there don't you have an obligation to stay unless I take you out? Why ruin a perfectly good friendship because you want to take it to the next level....hold your position.

Seriously...I don't know what it is about me. I'm told I'm cool, funny, sweet, smart, blah, blah, blah...I've even tried to be less of all of those things...it doesn't work. I can't help being me. And truth is I miss all of my friends above.

So tell me. Why can't women & men be friends. Is it just me?

The Last Dinosaur

I come to you live from my very own netbook. This is a big deal. To know me is to know that I still write letters, place stamps on them, and mail them. I send birthday & holiday cards. I scrapbook. I still believe strongly in the picture book and I will never...I repeat NEVER stop driving to the book store, scoping out a fresh book, lovingly judging it by it's cover, taking said book home, and reading it's lovely insides. Kindle my ass!

I am a dying breed. Other reasons for my extinction:

• My desktop was made during the turn of the new millenium.
• I've had the same cell phone# for a decade...not bad right? Well I've also only had 4 phones during this time.
• My phone makes phone calls .
• I mourned the day my yubby threw away our VCR.
• Please do not text me anything worth more than a 2 word response. I will not respond.
• I miss the surprise of developing film, not knowing if the pictures will be good or scarred with covering thumbs & red eyes.
• Yes, I still have a landline...of course I do...even though no one calls but my aunt.
• I appreciate ipods...I do not own one. My hubby and daughter do. I still love buying CDs and reading the liner notes and thank yous.
• Blu ray? Still don't see the point. It's NOT a stage performance...how clear does the movie need to be?
• HDTV...one word...Oprah. Give me analog!
• I've kept a journal for years...an old fashioned leather bound place to vent...on paper...in my own handwriting.
• I read newspapers and keep fire hazard amounts of magazines. I do, however, recycle them often.

I could go on. My point. Not too sure.

I just know that I love the sound of friends and family's voice. I love meeting new people...in person. I live for family gatherings and time with my friends...although I despise when everyone is head down staring at their blackberrys and iphones...I mean seriously...most of us are in the room...who do u need to update on Facebook & Twitter??

I was the last of my friends to join any social network. I am the last to start a blog...THIS blog. 

Strangely enough in the last hour I have written this blog, replied to my tweeps, kept a dialogue going on Facebook and queued a few family pictures on tumblr. Whew!! It's all too much for me.

My hubby, meanwhile, has been lying next to me flipping channels. All this time spent connecting and I'm not...really.

So am I the last dinosaur? Anyone with me?

The Ex Strikes Back!

Dinner is finally done at noon. It's actually a combo dinner because I was lazy Saturday and decided to cook everything Sunday. Why not? This would be the 1st day all year that my family, yummy hubby and kids, would be under one roof with no one having to go to school or work. So tandori chicken, cilantro rice, and spinach from my missed Saturday meal would be combined with tomato mac' n cheese, herb and white wine baked chicken, garlic asparagus, and rosemary roasted potatoes. Yummmmm!!!! So we're feasting...breaking the most delicious of sins when my daughter hands me the phone and says, "My Dad wants to talk to you."

"We're eating." I reply. The damage already done. My food although still tasty just doesn't have the same allure. I'm pissed.

Lyric agrees to call him back when we're done. She says he probably just wants to pick her up today. Really? Well what does that have to do with me? I have literally talked to this man 10 times in 10 years. I've seen him less than that. It's all by design. Lyric has had a cell phone since she was 8. Most of our drops off and pick ups were coordinated through his mom or soon to be ex-girlfriend Kristen. But that's all about to change now since they are separating. What does this have to do with me? Haven't I made it clear that that's not my life anymore?

I'm pissed and my yummy hubby is giving me the look. The-why-does-this-n*gga-need-to-talk-to-you-look! But he's a gentlemen and knows he married a woman with a kid and that said woman will have to talk to her ex. Lyric hands me the phone and my yummy hubby doesn't move a muscle.

"Hey, what's up?"
"I'm just going to be a minute. Put your mom on the phone."
"It is me." I announce. This dude doesn't know my voice...more proof that we don't talk.
"Oh my bad....yeah y'all sound just alike...actually it's been like that for some years now."

I don't know how to reply to this. Which leads us to some more meaningless small talk and finally...

"Well you know what's up right?" He asks. I assume he's talking about him and Kristen.

"Sure. Well...you're moving out soon and Lyric is concerned about seeing her little brother. Right?"

He starts talking about how he'll make sure Lyric is "straight" and how he's a "grown ass man" and no one is going to keep him from his son. All I can think is who is this dude? What is with the psuedo half-Brooklyn, half Cali dude accent? The entire convo is littered with "naw'means" and "yeah sons" and "fucking As". It's all too much to handle on a lazy Sunday.

I try to direct the conversation but it keeps coming back to me.

"You know she was buggin' over you, naw'mean?" He says. "Yeah she thinks we been fucking the last 4 years."

And this ladies and gentlemen this is why we do not talk much...

I'm reminded of that episode of Cosby Show when Vanessa brings Dabnis home to announce their engagement. Cliff and Clair have never met this guy. He actually isn't a bad guy. Cliff remarks that Vanessa bringing Dabnis home in this manner is akin to serving his favorite steak with all the trimmings on a garbage can lid.

This was how Kristen was presented over a decade earlier. In fact the first time Marcus's mom met her was while he was sneaking her out of the house. Hmmmm...wonder why the girl has insecurities.

I start to tell him that we can end all of this he said, she said with a quick 3 way call but he declines. He could care less and then repeats (for the 5th time now) that they are over...you feel me son? 

I'm still wondering what this conversation is all about. Then he says, "You know I never had any beef with you? Naw'mean? I never had any qualms with you, feel me?" I'm stuck on his usage of the word qualm. I'm being a jerk now. I respond.

"Well, you have no current reason to have a beef with me." Are we really going here in 2010?

"You know I still got love for you...I've always loved you." And this ladies and gentlemen is why we do not talk...

I stare at my yummy hubby, then to Lyric as she cleans the kitchen. She doesn't want to be far away either.

"Understood." I add.

I have nothing else to say. I don't feel the same. Haven't for many many moons. Actually there is a lot I can say. I could tell him that our relationship ended for the same reasons that he's now ruining his current relationship...his own insecurities. I could tell him to stop crying to me and go home and fix his mess. I could tell him that I haven't had "love for him" in over a decade and that I've thanked him for my daughter and released him years ago. I could tell him that he needs to go the river, smoke a blunt, drink himself silly, meditate...what ever he needs to do to move on. But all I can say is, "Understood." I really don't.

I subtitled this blog living in & out of my head one lovely dai at a time. It is meant to conquer and reason with all that stuff that I've carried with me...as in past tense. It's no coincidence that first Kristen calls and now this.

"I owe you my life Dai."
"No, you don't owe me anything." I interrupt. 
"Fucking let me finish! I mean...like...I never had to worry about you or Lyric. I wake up everyday knowing that y'all all alright, naw'mean? And she's good Dai. I know she's good. She's a good girl. I just want to make sure she stays that way...you feel me?"

Which reminds me of a conversation Lyric and I had while watching a show about a crazy mother of the bride. Lyric asks, "You won't try to chose everything in my wedding will you Ma?" I reply, "Nope, could care less about the wedding stuff. But choosing the right guy to marry...I'm gonna be all up in those details."

I started dating Marcus when I was 14. Lyric will be 14 this summer. It's a reference neither one of us can take lightly.

"Understood."

"I'm just saying...I know you went through a lot...even dealing with my ass. But you seem to be good. I fucks with that...naw'mean?"

"Yes, I know what you mean." I redirect. "Well, I know this is a tough situation but seriously, enjoy it. You've never lived on your own before. Enjoy it. Leave your clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink...you know? I think it'll be good for you. For both of you." I say this sincerely. I'm trying to keep this conversation short and sweet because I know this dude. The minute I say anything he doesn't like he'll take it out on Kristen.

The next day I'm sitting in my office and she calls. I'm done.I'm done with both of them. I delete the message before I even hear it. That's not my life anymore.

Then I sit in my office fuming. I pick up the phone and tell her as nicely as possible that I don't care about either one of them...that my sole goal is to make sure my daughter is okay. I tell her if it's truly over then let it be. She wants to pick apart my conversation with Marcus. I refuse to go there and remind her that none of this has anything to do with me. I end the call.

Lyric then calls and tells me that her dad wants me to call him. I do gladly.

He answers exactly the way I knew he would...pissed and fired up. I refuse to go there with him and cursed him like it was 1999. I don't need this...Y'all need to stop calling me...pack & leave already...but most importantly leave me out of it.

He asks me calmly and slowly to stop screaming at him. "Damn Dai...I ain't come at you like that so calm down."

Inhale...exhale...

4 Things No One Ever Tells You About Being Married

Slightly past the newlywed phase I feel more married now than ever...let me rephrase... I've always felt married. My first relationship lasted 7 years, the second a cool 2-3 years depending on who you ask. I've been with my yummy hubby going on 8...so yeah I've always been a wifey with or without papers. I digress...

There are certainly some things you expect to be different when you jump the broom. I expected to change my name...I expected that my stuff & his stuff would become our stuff. I expected that our families would merge and we all would adopt the standard in law reference when referring to our new clan. I expected that our sex lives would diminish some because that's what everyone says right HA! That deserves a whole other post! But that was pretty much it. No fairy tale-off into the sunset- happily ever after for me. I never grew up with that tape playing in my head.

Yet given the above expectations here are a few that I didn't see coming:

1. You Are No Longer A Risk

We're not talking about dare devil stuff here folks. I'm talking about how one day my boyfriend's car insurance was well over $200 a month for his used car. After we married it was cut in half. I'm talking about approving a married couple for a half million dollar home loan that we couldn't possibly afford. I mean seriously...I wasn't even working when we were home shopping...them fools were crazy...see that's why the housing market crashed like it did. (I digress again...and no, we didn't take that loan...what kind of risk takers do you think we are??) Add on the additional tax breaks and you have saved yourself a slew of cash just by marrying up. Crazy!

2. There Is No "I" in Couple

Okay. Ladies may have a harder time with this one due to that whole last name change thing. But here's a subtle example of this. My hubby and I have had the same group of friends pretty much forever...we call ourselves the FAM. In fact my hubby and I were simply FAM members long before we started dating. We were two different people. My friends were his friends, his friends were my friends, we could all be friends. It was awesome. Then we got married and a good friend, also an active FAM member, sent us a wedding invite that was addressed to Mr & Mrs His First & Last Name. Wow! Yes, we were no longer "I" and "him" we were well...WE! No more separates invite to a get together. No more separate holiday wishes and birthday calls. We were officially a package deal. Sidenote: I have kept my cell phone in my maiden name. It's a nice reminder to see my name pop up on someone's caller ID.

3. Us Vs Food

Being married is one thing. Being married with kids is a whole different animal...just ask Al Bundy. This limits the amount of time needed to be spontaneous. You rely on proper planning to keep all of those juggled balls in the air and the main source of fuel to get through it all becomes food! Forget about eating to live...the objective to never go without a meal is now akin to breathing. It's starts out simply enough, "Are you hungry? I'll make you something." and "Hey babe, I'm on my way. Do you need me to pick up anything for dinner?" Then next you know you're both up late at night watching Iron Chef, Top Chef, Man Vs Food, and The Best Thing I Ever Ate...you already know the answers to the last one because you've now discussed every single morsel that has passed your lips since birth. Soon you're making lunch plans at breakfast, and dinner plans at lunch. And if you really want to shift the cosmos just forget to take something out of the freezer for dinner! Whew! Well then that's another trip to the store. Going to a gathering without him or her? You best not come home without a plate...especially if your aunt's fried chicken is involved.

4. Go Forth & Procreate

As an unmarried mom my trips to the OB/ GYN went something like this.
"Well, everything looks fine...I see you're not using any regulated birth control. Are you planning to have another kid?"
"Uh...no."
"Well, then hon you want to be careful. Here's a few options for you...and Oh! I'll just throw in a few samples and condoms while you decide. It's good we're discussing this now huh?"

As a married mom my trips to the OB/GYN went something like this:
" Well, everything looks fine...I see you're not using any regulated birth control. Are you planning on having another kid?"
"Uh...no."
"Well okay. We'll see you same time next year." 

That's right folks. The world will judge and scorn, slap a condom on your boyfriend and a pill down your throat if you're an unmarried woman, but could care less if you bring a kid in this world married. Regardless of whether you're fit or able to responsibly care for this kid. People actually encourage it. They ask, "When are you having another one?" They also get really upset when we reply that we can't afford the two we got now. But none of that matters...go forth and procreate you lovely married people.


What wonderful things did you discover after you were hitched? If you're not hitched what do you think will remain the same or change once you are hitched?