The Missed Opportunity Of Lauryn Hill

Have you ever seen a live jam session? It's like watching a musical enclave of creative beings. Drums drumming, hummers humming, guitars strumming, riffers riffing. Eventually someone finds a melody. The keys search out the perfect pitch. Layer after layer the notes shift and turn, the vocals arrange themselves a verse here, a chorus there, a bridge, the final last note. The song takes shape. Organically. It's one of the most beautiful things to witness. Unlike most modern music where a producer lays a track, someone comes in later and writes the song for that track, then offers that semi-complete work to a singer, jam sessions are one of the last true dying arts in today's music.

Ms. Lauryn Hill understood this when she birthed The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Her plan was simple. Create beautiful music with soul from a very honest pure place. She found a new group of talented musicians, programmers, engineers, vocalist and named them New-Ark for her hometown in New Jersey. Along with other more established producers Hill found her comfort zone. It was then off to Jamaica to make history.

What she seemed to understand was the importance of the collaborative effort especially from her days with The Fugees. But when the CD was released in August 1998 aside from one song, Lauryn Hill received sole credit for writing, arranging, and producing. Clearly those who made the musical journey with her were appalled. Four of those musicians Vada Nobles, Rasheem Pugh, Tejumold, and Johari Newton sued Hill for reneging on her promise to credit them for their work and eventually settled out of court for an undisclosed amount. They were also "given credit for drum programming and a small amount of lyrical, instrumental and production work."1

While the world formed theories on the state of mind of Ms. Hill, her MTV Unplugged breakdown, inability to make and release new music, and her odd sporadic public appearances told a different story. One of a woman confused, emotional, and ill-equipped for her level of fame.

However, there were always two central thoughts about her unwillingness to return to the spotlight that were never fully explored.

1. What do you do when you're the driving force behind one of most solid music efforts ever and your collaborators sue you for proper credit?
2. How do you trust the creative process again so that everyone's contribution is protected?

To be fair music collaboration is one of the hardest mediums to credit. If I'm the writer and you're the guitarist and I tell you to change from an A chord to a B chord do I then get an arrangers credit? If you add 3 words to a lyric I wrote do you get a writing credit? When there is a true collaborative spirit every one becomes empowered to dabble in other aspects of the craft. It's only natural that this happens yet unfortunately this is where collaborations fail.

There is a solution to this. There is a way to perfectly balance the creative juices so that everyone is free to engage in the process and no one is injured as a result. Yet it's an unorthodox one for those who like to have total control over their music.


We all know and love Sade. Sade's music has cradled us at night, spoke to us when no else would, and got us up when the world held us down. It's haunting, understated, and resonates in a way that we think each song is written for us and about us. We all like to think the lead singer and front woman Sade Adu is the driving force and source behind each song and yet you would be about 25% correct.


Sade is a group, a band, comprised of 3 other members. Saxophonist & guitarist Stuart Matthewman, keyboard player Andrew Hale, and bassist Paul Denman. Since 1983 the members of Sade have each earned an equal 4 way split from all proceeds of their recordings and live shows.

Is this a fair accounting for nearly 30 years of songs where the face of the music is really the Sade Adu herself? Well she thinks so and will tell you that she has a home in her band. She will tell you that her sound and her process all stems from the collective group. To date Sade herself has never collaborated or guest featured on anyone's song. In this sense she knows what has worked well for her all these years.

This process will not work for everyone. Some will prefer to be like Prince and craft each and every note of a song on their own. Some may chose to create beautiful synergy with others. This is where Lauryn Hill missed her opportunity.

She knew she wanted to work with other artists to create the raw sound that became The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. The sound was isolated by her decision to leave the Chung Kings Studios in New York to one of the Marley residences specifically The Bob Marley Museum on 56 Hope Road. When Hill raps on "Lost Ones", "I was hopeless now I'm on Hope Road" she really meant it.

What she didn't mean to do was exclude anyone from her process. In her effort to allow everyone to contribute she made the fatal mistake of not having clearly defined signed contracts. If proper credit was paid for the creation of the music we may be having a different dialogue about Ms. Hill.

Instead of wondering if she feels jaded by the industry and betrayed by those who worked on her freshman CD we may be celebrating her and all of her collaborators. Instead of looking for the next great soul stirring artist to step in her shadow we would be looking at her. And instead of replaying the same songs and searching for unreleased music we would be debating how her new project compares to her debut release.

Seems we may never know. 12 years is a long time even by Sade's standards. Maybe one day Lauryn Hill will grow tired of performing the same songs year after year. It's been said that she never really stopped creating. She just stopped sharing. Perhaps one day she'll feel comfortable enough to share her thoughts with us. Perhaps she'll be able to once again trust the process of making great music.

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Lopsided Growth: Men How Do You Make You A Better You?

Yes, the hubby & I are speaking to each other again. All is well. I think he genuinely feels silly for giving me the silent treatment for thinking I was giving him the silent treatment. And because I am a woman, a mother, and a Cancer I went all metaphysical on him to delve into why he keeps doing this. This is when I blame his mother for everything and forge ahead with my reconditioning efforts. LOL.<< I am really doing this.

Got me thinking though. Stick with me. This may take a moment.

Women are bombarded daily with messages telling us to work on ourselves. Be better, look better, forgive, breathe. Eat. Pray. Love. The messages are scrawled throughout magazines with titles like, 8 Ways To Love Better and Be a Better You in 60 Seconds. These messages are preached in places of worships and on Oprah. They're handed down from grandma to big momma. Book stores devote entire sections to helping your SELF. Even men such as Steve Harvey, T.D. Jakes, and Hill Harper have gotten into the "women make yourself better" mission.

Some of us have even listened. I have personally prayed, purged, and repented in my pursuit of happiness. I have all but poured honey & purified myself in Lake Minnetonka to get right with me.

My girlfriends and I who in my humble opinion are some of the most intelligent, savvy, accountable sistars in the world have all made this inevitable journey into womanhood. In a word it's called growth.

So I'm wondering men. Yes, you out there. What the hell do y'all do to work on YOU? Does John Madden give you a play by play for life? Do you visit the little old man on the mountain? I know y'all don't talk to each other. Half of y'all don't even know what your friends do for a living! Seriously this tickles my fancy. I can ask the hubby a basic question like, "How's So & So & their new baby?" & he'll respond "I dunno." I'm all comfuzzled because they just hooked up yesterday. So you're telling that there was no mention of the brand new kid? Not even, "Yo, I ain't had a good night sleep since Man Man came home." Nothing? Weird. I digress. 

I'm really curious about this. In a world where women seem to be the only ones bearing the burden of growth what are you all doing to uplift yourselves? How will you fully contribute to us if you're still dealing with childhood issues and the like? How will we meet in the middle, compromise, communicate, better understand each other if there's lopsided growth? Lawd, let's hope there's an app for that.

Anyway I would love to hear what steps you as a man are taking to become a better you. Or ladies what are the men around you doing to better themselves? Is it working?

The floor is open.

My hubby Thinks I'm Mad At Him...Again

Today's immaturity tale comes straight out of my own home.

I'm doing a very childish thing right now. I am not speaking to my hubby because he is not speaking to me because he thinks that I am not speaking to him. Sounds silly right? Confused yet? I am.

Yesterday the yummy hubby was off work. He had some errands to run and was supposed to put his feet up and relax. He's a go getter, always on his grustle (grind + hustle = grustle), and it's taking a toll on his feet. Seriously, one day he will be forced to wear orthopedic hush puppies.

Anyway, he calls and says some people didn't show up at his store and wanted to know if I was cool with him going to work. Of course I would have preferred to spend the evening with him at home (he works evenings, weekends, holidays, etc...being a complete family unit is a rare occasion) but I know not to get in between him & his money.

The conversation went something like,
"I'll call ___ and see if they really need me & I'll call you back."
Me: "Cool."
He calls back.
"So, I'm going to go in."
Me at work doing 3 different things while talking to him: "Mmm hmmm."
"Alright then babe. Thank you."
Me: "Mmmm hmmm."

For the record I was slightly perturbed. I get 2 evenings...not whole days...evenings a week with this man. But I get it. I GET IT! Bills don't pay themselves. You da man...go make a living, provide, blah, blah, blah. Also, the "thank you" hit a nerve too. It was as if I'm giving him permission or allowing him to do something. HA! So true to form I relax, relate, release and give thanks for a hubby who works above & beyond. Done right?

Well I get home to prep the Fidget on Back 2 School Eve doing her hair etc. Nintendo DS and M&Ms are watching Dood, total parenting fail. I have 2 loads of clothes going and no one except Josh had a complete meal which Lyric made him as I showered. Such as life. Such as life on a busy night in my home when you're the only parent there close to 10pm when Dat Dood should be sleep but his bedding is still in the dryer because I was busy drying Fidget's hair and did I mention it was waaaay past bedtime? Sigh.

The hubby finally gets in, grabs a quick bite to eat, and true to his form starts helping. He packs up Dood's book bag, makes his bed, and tucks him in for night night. I finish Lyric's hair. But here's lies the rub. He never speaks to me. No convo. No usual how was your day small talk. Nothing. And this is how it usually is. Somewhere in these moments I have to step up and say, "Why aren't you speaking to me?" to which he'll typically reply, "Well I thought you were mad at me." Then it's my job to then say, "No babe, I'm cool. Would have loved to spend the evening with you or could have used your help earlier but I understand."

This is annoying for a few reasons. One: At the end of the day can I really be mad because he went to work? How dumb is that? Two: If I was mad at something he thinks he did wrong let's discuss it. Don't do the egg shell walk around me. Lastly: Does he not know me by now? I don't do grudges. I'm never pissed off long. He should know that better than anyone. So why are we doing this dance?

He hasn't called like he normally does. I won't see him until late tonight and he still will not talk to me until I say something first. I don't get it. He even told Fidget that he thinks I'm mad at him so I'm not overreaching here.

Sometimes I think it would be easier for him to be in a relationship where the wife or girlfriend does typical stuff like nag, bytch, and complain all day. At least he'd know what to expect.

What do you think? Should I step up and clear the air...again? Or wait for him to do it this time?

The floor is open.

5 Hating Azz Haters That I Hate

I told a lie in my post about the biggest lesson I've ever learned. I said I've never hated anyone. Ever. That was partially true. There is one person, or group, or collective consciousness of folks who I do hate with a passion & they are HATERS.

I effin' hate a hater. I despise these mofo's. These are the bastards that need to be shipped to the earth's core. These mindless, baseless, jerks are the reason for most if not all of the worlds issues. Don't believe me? Hating Middle Eastern's hating on other Middle Eastern's, raising hating azz little Middle Eastern haters have plagued the world for centuries. Hating azz Christians and hating azz Jews hating each other fighting over land, territory, the right to be the "one true race" or whatever the hell that means, causing death, and famine, and the holocaust. HATERS! Hating ass non-melanin skinned brethren hating on melanin brethren leading to reverse hateration and leading to hateration of nations south of the border. Heterosexuals hating on Homosexuals. Haters! Haters! Haters!

Now while the above haters have deeply rooted, generational, centuries old hatred in their blood that can hardly be cured with an intervention or town hall meeting (or this blog) there are some lesser haters that can easily cut the hatred with a few self esteem (and mind ya biz) courses.

It seems these haters hate for sport. They hate just to have something to do daily. These haters wake up trolling the blogosphere, watching Sports Center, just looking for something to hate. Some of them get paid for it and disguise themselves as journalists, critics, and (wait for it) bloggers. So without further adieu here are a list of haters that need to just give it up!

1. Sports Haters:
Okay you love your team. Your affinity to the black & gold, black & purple, green & white is so strong that all other teams are not merely opponents, they are the earth's scum. Your life is scheduled around hating other teams face painted and all. You're a tailgating hater! You watch Sports Center hoping to catch a glimpse of the Lebron or Kobe or Brett or T.O just to spew more hatred. Stop it you hater. Pour your energy into actually playing a sport. Go coach a little league or something. Better yet don't. You'll just end up on the evening news after throwing helmets at your pee wee football league because they lost a game. Go get a blood pressure check you obnoxiously competitive sports jerk. A good rivalry or game is one thing...all out sports hatred is just a waste of time.

2. Celebrity Haters
Oh lawd...tell 'em why you mad son, tell 'em why you mad? They got more dough than you? He got Beyonce on his arm? You a better rapper? This one is on a crack diet because she's too skinny. That one needs Jenny Craig. She's a home wrecker. He's a sell out. For you trolls that scope out comment sections just to spew viciousness, give it a rest. Go to your time out chair now and explain something to me. How can someone you've never met who doesn't directly effect your livelihood cause you so much grief? Didn't Mary J Blige tell you we don't need no "hateration?" Even Jay said, "you not feelin' me fine...cost you nothing pay me no mind." You don't like their movies, their songs, their TV show...cool. But why hate them as a person? Did they spit in your Cheerios?

3. Work Haters
You all know who you are! You're mad because your co-worker can't operate a stapler and makes more than you. Guess what? They probably busted their azz through undergrad & grad school earning two degrees just so that don't have to use that damn stapler! They got you for that! Now stop hating. Go back to school. Find your passion. Or (here's a novel idea) QUIT! You're infecting and infesting hate on the workplace. You think the rest of us want to be here? No! Not all of us. But while we're here we just want to do our job good enough & collect our pay checks. Stop making everyday Monday you hating azz work hater!

4. Material Haters
You like their house? You want that bag? You mad because he got 2 Xboxes? "Like seriously, why he need TWO! You can only play one of them joints at a time...that's just wasteful." Ummm...*taps you on shoulder*. Is that your money? Why do you care? You want some nice "stuff" then you better get up, get out & get something of your own...you material hater! You're the evil second cousin to those damn Stick Up Kids. What's worse than somebody hating on what you got? The azzhole that hates what you got then robs you for it! Get your hands outta my pocket and your mind off my 60 inch plasma!

5. Wedding Haters
Y'all spend the most effort & money to go hate. You've RSVP'd to the wedding. Bought a gift after you painstakingly insulted everything on the registry. "What they gonna do with a $25 napkin holder?" You worked overtime just to afford a new dress & shoes to wear at the wedding. You finally get someone to go with you...another hating azz girlfriend because no man is that serious about you. You two are the only ones at the wedding ceremony with a score card and no tissues. You hate the dress...it doesn't flatter her at all. You hate the pink & orange colors she picked...too Dunkin Donuts for you. You think the groom is looking for an exit strategy. You're at the reception stalking the wait staff just so you confirm that "Yup, the coconut shrimp is cold and soggy." Everything sucks. "Why they pick "At Last" as their first dance?" "How you gonna have a cash bar?" Quit it you Wedding Hater! No one cares about you or your opinions. Who's Wedding Is It Anyway? Not yours!!!

I'm sure I left off a few. Let me hear 'em. What Haters are you tired of?

The floor is open.

Music Mondays: The Marvin Gaye Edition

So I'm in the car en route to the Dollar Tree to stock up on movie treats (I'm not paying $3.75 for a bag of M&Ms) and my #1 favorite Marvin Gaye song came on, "I Want You".

I screamed like it was 1976 & the man was on stage at the Apollo. I damn near melted in the car and he hadn't sung one word (gotta love a song that has an intro 1:18 long).

 Go 'head...stand up and put your lighters up!

I was so pressed I flung $4 at Lyric and made her go in the store while I listened to the whole song. I even called my hubby at work and turned it up louder so he can get a listen.

I was pressed. Sprung. It was a movement and it reminds me that music these days invoking that type of response is a unicorn. I want it to exist but sadly it doesn't. And I LOVE music!!! We go way back. But can you feel me? When was the last time you pulled over in a car, lost your ever loving mind in a Target, or had to call someone because you heard the best song ever? Does that feeling still exist?

I thought long and hard to compile this quick list of songs that I feel...let me rephrase. I don't listen to these songs I feel them way down deep on the bottom of my pinkie toe. I either can't stay still or I go into a deep trance and when it's over I want more. Again, these songs aren't necessarily my favs for their lyrics or musicality but for no other reason than they put me in a zone. Isn't that what music is supposed to do?

So in no particular order:

1. Talib Kweli, "Get By" 


I'll take the original or the remix. Kanye put his Jesus piece in this one. John Legend crooning the background and the piano riff is makes this a classic banger.There's no way you can't feel it. It's like a double rainbow!!.

2. Mary J Blige, "My Life"


Of course the intro to "Be Happy" pretty much did it for me because I can really include the entire My Life album as one long song in parts. However, in this song lies the epitome and heart of the collective CD. It's gut wrenchingly simple, quiet, and you swear you can look in her eyes and see what she sees.

3. Sade, "I Couldn't Love You More"


"If everyone in the world, could give me what I wanted, I wouldn't want no more than I have." Understated Sade. The beauty of any Sade song is that she forces you to be still and listen.

4. Notorious B.I.G, "Warning"


Really Dai? A Biggie song gets you all fired up? Yessirr, perhaps just 'cause I'll always love Big Poppa or maybe because I hate to be bothered when I'm sleep, or because my place was burglarized before. Who knows. The track is pounding. The story line is flawless. When Biggie says, "There's gonna be a lot of slow singing and flower bringing if my burgurlary alarm starts ringing." You know he meant business.

5. Portishead, "All Mine"


I was introduced to Portishead by my creative writing buddies in high school. "All Mine" was drenched in desperation and soaked in longing...perfect for my teenage angst. I wanted to not love it so much when it was jacked for a Victoria's Secret commercial but I couldn't help it. It still makes me scream, "All Miiiiinnnnneeeee...you have to be."


6. Mos Def, "Umi Says"


I was half sleep the first time I heard it. Mos Def singing actually woke me up. Not an easy feat if you know me. I've been trying to shine my light on the world ever since.


Honorable mention (read: I'm too lazy to finish this post) goes to The Roots, "Silent Treatment" and Maxwell's "This Woman's Work" & "Bad Habits" and I'm sure I'm leaving off a hundred more.

What are your favorite songs that put you in a trance, make you stomp your feet, make you pull over and dance?

The floor is open.

I Love My Fidget!

Yes this is a Lyric post.

Today, 14 years ago after 31 hours of slow labor I gave birth to my first born, my daughter, my mini me, my fidget. Okay I guess I should explain Fidget. Well you know how kids lay in your bed but they don't stay still? Yup, that was her...well that used to be her. She's all 14 and sophisticated now!

She's nothing like me and everything like me. She's the best of me. She's feisty and has a wicked sense of humor. She gets the joke. She's in on the joke. She probably spoke the joke. She's clever and witty and has no issues asking questions and questioning the asking. She's that chicka.

She's a pure superbad kinda 14. She's not sheltered but loves and appreciates her home. She knows that she has it a little better than some but doesn't rub anything in anyone's face.

She loves Jay Z & Beyonce & Eminem & Paramore. She knows the worlds to most of The Beatles songs. And when George Michael's "Careless Whisper" came on in a doctors office she broke out singing word for word. She has her own personal Motown collection. She understands the significance of MJ's death and was genuinely sad when Aaliyah passed years ago even then at her age.

She's a sucka for all youtube tomfoolery & Japanese anime and she can text like nobody's business.

She's all jeans and t-shirts & converse. Purple converse!  And hoodies. Gotta have hoodies.

She's a great big sister and a great friend to her friends. Yes, people like her!

She has a "friend who happens to be a boy" that lives on the west coast that she likes because in her words, "it's the safest sex possible." Yes, she's that kind of funny and truth is if she wasn't a part of me, didn't live with me, wasn't a taxable dependent, I would still love her. 

Happy B'earthday Lyric!

Maddening Madden Tuesday

As I write this my son is losing his ever loving mind. He has been sent to his room crying & screaming bloody murder. His Daddy yells an occasional, "Josh shut up!" every 30 seconds or so. This is supposed to our vacation week. No one is having fun yet. This 4 year old is single handedly making us rethink whether Margaritas before 10 am is a good or bad idea. For the record the glasses are already chilling in the freezer.

Dat Dood going to the basement to play a game with Daddy.

I guess I should tell you what all the fuss is about. The child is obsessed with gaming. If we let him he'd play games all day. He would only break for oatmeal, bananas, and juice boxes. The first thing out his mouth 7am this morning is, "Mommy can I play pink game?" I should tell you that "pink game" is his sister's Nintendo DS named of course for it's color. He's been vying for this thing for months and he always gets a loud "NO!" when he asks her to play it. Yesterday, however,  I was curling her hair. Josh was plotting his basement time playing Sonic on the Xbox. He kept trying to negotiate with me. I'm sure I almost dropped the hot curling iron twice thus self preservation kicked in. I'm sure Lyric thought, If I let him play with my DS my mother will not burn me. It was a good quiet hour while I finished her hair.

Fast forward to us visiting my family later in the day. All Josh's idea. "Can we see Momma and Binky and Aunt Crystal and Jamal and Poppa and Baby Cousin?" Sure, sounds like a nice time. We'll be in the area why not stop by? Then it hit my hubby and I both. He just wants to play Mario on the PC!!

Sure enough we pull up in front of the house. Josh yells, "Yeah, let's do it!" Then he goes in throws his Yankees cap on the table, kicks off his shoes, and takes over the PC. No one is able to talk to the boy the entire time we're there.

This is sad and partially my fault.

We were in a waiting room. Doctor or dentist I can't recall. He was loud and running around being a typical 3 year old boy. I gave him my phone and let him play Pac Man. He was quiet. All was well with the world. Days later he took my phone to play again. I didn't want him on my phone and I have Pac Man on my DS so I gave him that. I have not been able to play Brain Age since.

Everything is a potential negotiation for game time.

"Mommy, when we go home can I play Sonic game?"
"Daddy, I had a great day. Can I play basketball game for 5 minutes?"
"Mommy, I cleaned up. Can I play DS?"

It was so bad this morning Daddy took out a nice wholesome game of Connect Four in his attempt to play something else. They played about 8 rounds of "who can put the pieces in faster". Dood is winning because well...all he does is win...no matter what. Then he says, "Daddy we gonna play two more times and then you wanna play Sonic game in the basement with me?" Daddy said no. I put on his PBS shows. He was content. The moment Super Why credits start rolling it's back to the negotiations. I leave the room and the hubby loses it. Josh is sent to his room.

Every location is a game haven. Visiting my Dad is a set up to play Sonic Tennis on Xbox. Going to the movies has a arcade. Chuckee Cheese is all about car racing games. We went to Hershey Park and all he can tell you is that he had cotton candy and played 2 car games. This is sear-we-us!!!

To be fair the poor kid's been in school since he was 18 months. He knew his basics (ABC's & 123's, shapes & colors) since before he was 2. He counts in Spanish. Speaks certain phrases in French. Knows cite words and has an internal navigation system in his head...i.e...I can't leave him anywhere...he will make his way home.

He's also very athletic. Daddy has had a football in his hand since before he could hold his own bottle. He never really learned to walk...he learned to run. He can kick a ball like nobody's business. Don't even get me started on all the Tae Kwon Do that he knows but never studied. Or is it kickboxing? I'm not even sure. You just don't want to be on the receiving end of one of his jabs. Those punches and kicks hurt and ironically we have a Naruto game to thank for that. Hence the reason why he can't play games during the school week. He goes to school and doesn't use nice hands.

The worse part is that it's Madden Tuesday! It's the August ritual of picking up and playing the latest edition of the NFL's answer to preseason blues. Grown men and boys across the country trek themselves to the nearest video game store (if they haven't already picked it up at the Midnight Maddeness hours earlier) to bring home this ever popular sports game. As I conclude this, the hubby and Dat Dood are getting dressed to go pick up his copy. I'm sure it's been paid off for weeks now.

So while I'm off enjoying day 2 of my vacay relaxing poolside these guys will probably stay at home in the basement gaming. Did I mention that Daddy is taking a little tantrum insurance with him in the form of my Nintendo DS (pictured above) while they're out and about? Yup because no matter how much we try to curb his game enthusiasm nothing soothes a public breakdown quicker than an handheld game. Major parenting fail!!! Joshua 10, Parents 0.

The Best Lesson I've Ever Learned...Ever

I must have been about 11 or 12. I'm not really sure. I also don't remember the argument that my mom & I had that lead to me getting fussed out. My mom never had to spank us but she could scream you to tears like nobody's business. I'm sure whatever I did wrong I deserved her rage. Nonetheless, the next day I tip toed around my house desperately trying to avoid another hell fire verbal attack. Finally after much walking on egg shells she stopped me.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing, I just don't want you screaming at me anymore."

"Did you do something else wrong?"

"Uh...no."

"Well okay then. I said what I had to say. You said what you needed to. I love you. That was yesterday. Nobody's mad at you."

I thought about this for a while. 

We can agree to disagree. She can state (or scream) her peace and I can stand in protest. We can argue and shed a thousand tears and the next day it was over and...she still loves me, flaws and all. There would be no grudges held.

Perhaps I'm over analyzing. Perhaps not.

To this day I have never held a grudge against anyone. Ever. Sure I've parted ways with people, friends, exes, co-workers. Some people come into your life for a reason or a season. This is nature's way. But I harbor no resentment nor do I hold any ill will towards anyone.

To this day I have never hated anyone. Ever. Sure I've disliked a few but I honestly can't tell you who because I'm sure whatever they did "wrong" to me was what I needed to learn anyway.

My mother blessed me with an uncanny ability to say what I need to say, try to find resolution and/or compromise, and then respectfully move on...or away. No victims. No villains.

I remember an Oprah episode where she talked about being mad at an old friend for years and carrying around that hurt and bitterness. She then ran into that friend who was living life happy and carefree. More importantly, this "friend" had no idea that she was mad all these years. No clue at all. Oprah talked about how stupid she felt for carrying this grudge and how she couldn't even remember what all the fuss was about.

I know an amazing beautiful woman who didn't speak to her mother for over 30 years. When her mother passed away she didn't go to her funeral. Her sisters were so mad that they stopped speaking to her for a while. Her son never got to know his own grandmother behind this. One day I finally got to ask what her mother did that was so wrong...so cruel...that she never wanted to see her again. She couldn't tell me. She couldn't give me one single reason for avoiding her mother for 30 plus years.

The above examples are different ways that we carry grudges but are grudges just the same. I don't know about you but my goal in living my best life isn't necessarily to live the longest life possible. My goal is to live the healthiest life possible.

Anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment, and holding grudges shorten your life span. It clogs your arteries, slows your metabolism, increases your blood pressure, and sugar levels. It adds to your stress levels and anxiety. I don't need a doctor or psychologist to prove this to me. It's biological warfare with your health at the helm. I don't need that in my life.

I know what you're thinking. If someone pisses you off and causes you pain there's no forgiveness. Or if you forgive then you won't forget. And if you're able to forget in this life, you'll haunt them in the next one. I get it. This practice takes...practice.

Here's your homework boys and girls:
You want to really confuse someone? The next time you get into an argument and it's not resolved...let it go. The next day call, text, tweet, whatever, and carry on without any mention of the previous day's issue.

So I'm supposed to act like this mofo didn't just work my last nerve. Yup. Do it! It's for your own health.

What's the point of that? It's really simple. By disregarding whatever the issue was you established a few things:

1. Regardless of the issue you will learn to exercise your right to feel light. You will learn that people don't hurt you but rather you allow yourself to feel hurt. You have a choice.You can chose to be upset or you can chose to have a great day. You decide. Don't worry about getting this right away. It takes years of reconditioning.

2. The person who you're now talking to without further conflict will wonder where all the anger went. This forced confusion may cause them to give a second thought about your point of view. They may reconsider your feelings. It's so much easier to see someone's point of view when they're not screaming it at you. Who knows you may even get an automatic apology from them.

3. You've now proven to this person (and yourself) that no matter the issue you can wake up the next day without throwing knives. Yes, throwing knives is a bit extreme but when you carry issues on longer than necessary it hurts like a deep cut. What are the knives that we throw? Saying hurtful things you really don't mean. Giving the dreaded silent treatment. And one that I'm famous for. Leaving. I'm not talking about the kind of leaving that allows us to get some space to clear our head. I'm talking about packing up and moving on. This is the inverse of holding a grudge. You may feel better for a brief moment but eventually you have to deal with that issue. There's a whole other blog post in this premise. LOL!

Being able to put down the weaponry is a big deal and it prepares us for the best point of all.

4. You've now established a safer conflict zone. The other person will be more likely to express concerns with you because they know you won't hold it against them later. This will lead to better communication. Which will lead to less conflict. Which leads to a more fulfilling relationship. It's a win win.

Now I caution you, this lesson of never holding a grudge doesn't work for everyone. I know grown folk walking around all kinds of pissed off for something somebody did to them in 1987. It may be too late to recondition their logic. I also know "nice" folk who wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight. For those few I say this isn't about being a doormat or passive aggressive. 

This is the best lesson I've ever learned because it acts as an ultimate reality check. In the midst of any issue I ask myself. Is this worth fighting over? Do I want to be right or do I want to be loved? Am I saying this to be heard or to be spiteful? Is this issue worth losing my relationship with this person? Do I want to be ill about this decades from now? Will I even remember this a year from now?

Usually I come to realize that whatever is troubling me at that moment isn't worth altering the course of my relationship. However, if it is, I know that I was raised with the know how to say what I need to say and move on. With love of course.

What's the biggest life lesson you've learned? How has that lesson shaped you? What lesson are you working on now?

The floor is open.