Not even the countdown clock could distract from the syrupy display behind me. The lovey dovey-ness exuding from these people I called my friends ate at the very core of me. The "babe can I make you a plate" and the "here hon rum & coke just like you like". The kisses to his forehead and hand pressed on his back sent me up the wall. Okay so you're married now. We get it. We were there! We bought gifts. Lawd only knows what they'll do once the ball drops.
Dood, screaming bloody murder way past his bed time, gave us the perfect exit strategy. Countdown to the new year, do a quick toast, and make our way back home. Perfect plan because I couldn't take it anymore.
This was two New Years Eves ago. Several days later I was still trying to figure out why I was so bothered by my friend's affection and attentiveness to her husband. Was I hating on their matrimonial bliss? Of course not. I love love. I'm pro love. I have a shirt that reads Team Love. Well I don't exactly own a shirt like that but if I saw one I would totally buy it.
Do I not offer my husband the same care and consideration? Sure I do. But I would never fawn all over him like that. It's just not me.
For some reason my feminine sensibilities wouldn't allow me to cater to my man in that way that was so...public. I realized then that in the comforts of our home I played the doting wife very well. I cook for him, make his plate, serve his iced tea. I iron for him, shop for him, and baby him when he's ill. And yet in the outside world there was something in me that wouldn't let others see me as that woman.
To me that woman is weak and submissive and has no say in the relationship and probably doesn't even make her own money. That woman takes no for an answer and spends her days learning to prepare his favorite meals and sew his socks. I don't want to be that woman. Even Destiny's Child
had independence before they starting catering to folks.But who says being that woman is synonymous to being a doormat?
I love taking care of my hubby. I love being attentive to his needs. Being that woman didn't mean I had no backbone and no mind of my own. It simply meant that I love my hubby enough to want to do nice things for him and if that meant fixing him a plate of food in front of others I shouldn't squirm at that the idea.
Clair Huxtable certainly didn't squirm. I remember an episode of The Cosby Show
when she offers Cliff and Alvin a cup of coffee & Alvin replies that he "didn't think she did that kind of thing" and by "thing" he meant serve. Clair being the attorney and mother of five she was LET HIM HAVE IT! The point? Their relationship was a balance of give & take, 50/50. Reciprocity. She offered him a cup of coffee just as had he brought her a cup of coffee earlier that day.Skip to 4:40
I had to learn that fixing my man a drink whether at home or during a gathering did not set back the women's movement. I would not lose any sense of my own accomplishments or empowerment by picking up his dry cleaning. I also had to remind myself that he never complained or felt any less of man when he did the same for me...which is often...he spoils me...publicly.
Seeing that I'll be the first to bless this port... I shall now open with..(clearing mind... wuuuu saaaaa)
ReplyDeleteI would WATCH a feminist take a bullet with NO PROBLEM! I completely and wholeheartedly stand behind the women's suffrage movement, but just as rap music did to hip hop, the feminist movement bastardized women's suffrage.
Yes... I will ALWAYS be the one to say what other either fear to mention, or simply haven't come to understand. It was the feminist movement of the 60's that became the foundation for the fall of the archetypal household. They understood that the man would NOT let foolishness into his household, so they went after HIS weakness... his woman.
Need I mention that both Betty Friedan (Communist Party) and Gloria Steinem (CIA) were agents of their respective parties. BIG SURPRISE!
What's my point... This notion that a woman behaving like a woman and the total obliteration of gender and roles were not something that 'just happened'. It was created, instigated, sold and purchased, hook, line and sinker by the unsuspecting mass.
To take a quote from one of the "MOTHER'S of Feminism... Betty Friedan... on her death bed... she had a change of heart about the movement she help start, and fueled with her book, 'The feminine mystique'.
"The feminine mystique has succeeded in burying millions of American women alive"...
WHAT!!!!! The NERVE!!! So after fouling the air with your pungent stench... starting the fire and leading millions into a hole of depression, you now back out of this life with... oh well, I was wrong?!...
I could think of more creative and deserving ways for her to go out.
OK... so why my rant.
Things that came naturally to women before, they question today. This idea that a woman is less than a woman for catering to her man is utter RUBBISH!
Is it a wonder that feminism make it their business to recruit women in pain? It's like a fox in a hen house. In the words of Dr. Patricia A. Newton... "Hurt people, hurt people"...
Until people dig and expose this madness for what it is... women will continue to get sucked into this black hole vortex of depression called feminism.
Yea... I said it!
Venom Spartan!
i love it.
ReplyDeleteIt is so spot on how I feel whenever we go to a friend's house for a meal or what have you, before I can even think about getting up to fix a plate, my dear husband is making my plate just the way I like it and adding extras to his, because.. well food just taste better from his plate. =)
I always feel like the other people are looking at me like I'm not the doting wife but then I remember, they never get to see me in action in our own home. Plus.. I know what works for me and mine... so meh.
But I love how Claire set him straight! That neck roll was on POINT.. ya heard what I said?
@Cie
ReplyDeleteIt's still one my favorite episodes!!! And yes food just taste better when the hubby prepares it.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteYou're pretty passionate about this aren't you?
Feminism then & now whether right or wrong was always & is always about CHOICE. And again right or wrong those choices have lead to a definitive shift within gender roles & harmonics. This is an undercurrent that I was born into.
Previous struggles & the birth of the feminist movement aside I can only speak for myself and my experiences.
And this: "Things that came naturally to women before, they question today. This idea that a woman is less than a woman for catering to her man is utter RUBBISH!"
That wasn't my point. This post spoke to being too feminine, too womanly...not less than. But I agree that it's rubbish which WAS my point. Get it? I took something I saw that made me uncomfortable, dissected why, and worked on it. It's called growth.
Again I can't help how the feminist movement affected the good deeds of womans suffrage, I can only correct the misguided behaviors in my own home.
Thanks again for your comment...sir.
Oh I got your point... make no mistake about it. I would only went further to point the things that I outlined. Yes.. I am very passionate about the dynamics of the archetypal relationship.
ReplyDeleteTo your: "I can only correct the misguided behaviors in my own home".
I am 100% behind because I am a firm advocate of the 100th Monkey Syndrome. If we all can make a positive adjustment within household, we can create a cosmic rippling effect.
and another thing... I don't miss points, I only expound upon them.
V. Spartan
Understood.
ReplyDeleteWhooo! There's a lot to work with here.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I absolutely adored that episode of The Cosby Show. That was one of Claire's finest moments.
One of the best aspects of feminism is you're now free to do what comes naturally to you. If you're not the falling over yourself doting type of partner and the person you're with understands that, you don't have to be.
The second feminist movement of the 60s and 70s (The women's suffrage movement was in fact a feminist movement. Mr. Spartan needs to study his history.) is often termed the Women's Liberation Movement because it granted women the freedom to explore the full potential of their personhood.
The role of women in society has always been constructed by the needs and wants of the people of that society. That's why gender roles are fluid from culture to culture and across historical periods. Women have perpetually been rendered voiceless. In the past 100 years, women have used their voices to fight against oppression.
Many women feminism it, but many did not. The women drawn to feminism who've seen their lives positively impacted by it's success, are not brainwashed. The suggestion further alludes to a lack of understanding of the movement and it's ultimate aims.
I do understand why men would be intimidated by feminists. Western gender roles have been constructed to benefit men. The deck continues to be stacked in favor of men in most cases, and they are desperately seeking to hold onto their privilege.
@Kimberly Nicole
ReplyDelete"One of the best aspects of feminism is you're now free to do what comes naturally to you. If you're not the falling over yourself doting type of partner and the person you're with understands that, you don't have to be."
Choice!! That's what it's always been about.
I SAY DO YOU, AND IF HE APPRECIATES AND RECIPROCATES, DO HIM, AND ALL IN ALL, GET YOUR LIFE ON! SOME PEOPLE ARE REALLY THAT WAY, IN WANTING TO MAKE SURE HE DIDN'T GET A STAIN ON HIS SHIRT LIKE HE'S 4 MONTHS OLD, AND OTHERS LIKE TO PRETEND, TO MAKE NICE FOR THEIR AUDIENCE. ALL YOU CAN DO IS BE YOU. I'D LIKE TO SEE A MAN ACTUALLY HAVE A STAY AT HOME JOB WHILE HIS WIFE WORKS HER ASS OFF, AND HAVE THE AUDACITY TO COMPLAIN THAT THE HOUSE LOOKS A MESS TO HIS TIRED WIFE THAT RETURNS HOME TO WHAT IS "SUPPOSED" TO BE HER PLACE OF RETREAT. ALL THIS FEMINISM SHIT DOESN'T MATTER IF PEOPLE DON'T HAVE PRINCIPLES IN BEING FAIR. GOOD POST DAI!
ReplyDelete@Selfless Damzel
ReplyDeleteThis: I SAY DO YOU, AND IF HE APPRECIATES AND RECIPROCATES, DO HIM << I need on a t-shirt!
And this: ALL THIS FEMINISM SHIT DOESN'T MATTER IF PEOPLE DON'T HAVE PRINCIPLES IN BEING FAIR. << Needs a TV series with workbooks!!
Thanks for commenting!!
Great post! I'm not "that woman" either outside of our home...well not as much as your friends. I do remember once my mom being shocked that I brought my husband a plate from the kitchen. I was something she'd never do. I think she just had a fear of the relationship turning into one where she became that stereotypical woman. We could be at 50/50 because just as often as I bring my husband a plate...he brings me one. However, he has brought me breakfast in bed every morning for the past 30 days (without my asking). This of course goes against the 50/50 because I've never done this for him...not even once. But there are also a list of things I do for him that he never does for me either. I think the important message is that as a couple you should both be more than willing to take care of each other.
ReplyDelete@Jocelyn
ReplyDelete"I think the important message is that as a couple you should both be more than willing to take care of each other."
This speaks volumes.