Nice Guys Finish...That Is All

I've never played matchmaker before but I thought I saw something that could work between one of my besties & a dear guy friend. We hung out in groups a few times and eventually my guy friend asked about her. So I told my bestie that he was interested. She asked more about him.

"He's really cool...really sweet...a perfect gentlemen. Very funny. He's a crazy hard worker..." This went on for a while.

Afterward my friend was quiet and asked the best question ever. "So why aren't you with him?"

I answered with a quick "we're just friends".

And we were and at times we were like brother/sister and who wants to date their brother? Also, I thought, if we dated and it didn't work it could reek havoc amongst our group.

"Well...", she said. "He sounds like a nice guy."

And there it was. The nice guy blow off.

Not every guy is equipped to be America's Next Top Alpha Male but it shouldn't exclude nice guys from being in the running. It baffles me. Women want to be treated with respect but often end up with jerks. We want chivalry while emasculating men at the same time. We want him to love his momma but call him a momma's boy when he does. And I know this because I used to be this chick. Why?

Funny you should ask. I made a list. Like to read it...here it goes.

1. Insecure/Lacks Confidence:
Nice guys are usually the ones that go unnoticed. They're at the party holding the sofa moving in silence.They don't have a list of lines to scroll down so when (if) they approach you it's usually something as normal as "Hey, how are you? Are you having a good time?" They don't feel the need to rock the latest gear or drive the hottest car. He's often seen as a "cornball" who wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight.

What's wrong with this:
Since when did being quiet become a tell tale sign of a lack of confidence? Maybe he's just deep thinker? Who needs a pick up line when any woman I know can knock down a question like "how are you" with a well reserved monologue. And while I appreciate a handsomely dressed man like the next chick I appreciate a great character more. Nice doesn't equal socially awkward. You can change clothes & cars but you can't change being a jerk.


2. Inexperienced:
Nice guys by their very nature are well...nice. Maybe it's all the "pleases" and "thank yous"...you know manner & shyt. Maybe it's their baby face...they got the cutest little baby face. For some reason chick logic screams, "He wouldn't know what to do with it. RUN!!" Or my personal favorite, "Girl, I'd run all over him."

Why you should give him a chance:
Nice guys have a luxury of being observant. They're often  the ones we bare our souls to. How many of us have a great friend that we can talk to about anything? Who wouldn't eventually learn a thing or two from all of that chatter? What many consider inexperience I consider a lack of applied study. They learn what not to do from a lot of the examples they hear and witness. What they may lack in experience they will compensate with their drive & desire to please you. And it's genuine. Being nice for the nice guy isn't a choice. They're drawn that way.


3. Dull/Boring:
This is the biggest complaint about the nice guy. The piece de resistance of them all. They're not spontaneous. They lack passion. They're not creative. They're not the life of the party and don't seem to have much fun. Women want to be swept off their feet and hanged from chandeliers and such. Right? These guys just don't fit the bill. Yup...I think this pretty much covers it.

Another way to look at it:
The only thing Steve Harvey & I can agree on is that a man who is willing to share his life with you has a plan for you. It may not include last minute trips to Barbados or surprise office visits for a little afternoon delight because he's too busy thinking five years ahead. You're thinking flowers for no reason. He's thinking getting the best interest on your mortgage. And there's nothing wrong with that. God forbid you have a guy who actually thinks, plans ahead, & has goals more than 12 months into the future. Yeah that does sound boring. *end sarcasm* By the way, two over the top spontaneous people could never work. Someone has to be the voice of reason.

Bottom line is this. Men have no qualms about meeting a nice, quiet, shy girl. In fact, she's often respected--admired even. Men want to take care of the nice girl. They open doors for her and take her to meet Mom. The nice girl is applauded for being loyal and having a heart of gold.

The nice guy however, gets no love. Trust me, I get it. As I said up-post I used to overlook them too. I preferred guys who were a little rough around the edges. It's that old adage of women wanting to be with a man that will protect her & keep her safe. But what's more secure than being with a thoughtful man who has your best interests at heart?

So glad I smartened up...opened the market up. Oh & that nice guy that I tried to pawn off on my bestie? I married him. And several years later he's a lot nicer than I thought.
 

I Stole Education Too. Should We Lock Up My Parents?

We moved a lot. I've mentioned this countless times before. In my parents attempt to keep life as I knew it constant I stayed in some of the same schools even after I moved zones away. It's also part of the reason I attended so many schools. At some point either I or my parents grew weary of the travel and gave up. I would then attend my zoned school only to realize that I was 2 or 3 curriculums above my peers, wasn't being challenged, fighting for attention with others who had behavioral issues, or just flat out bored by the lack of creative outlets the school offered. In a word it sucked.

I've done everything from live with a friend during a school year to taking the school wide placement test to attend a better school only to discover that my guidance counselor "forgot" to file the appropriate papers and I missed the deadline. During my senior year in high school I would wake up at 5am, catch a bus downtown, take another bus east where I met my friends at their school bus stop. I then took that yellow bus to school. It took 3 hours round trip. Oh & at times my mother did in fact receive special permission so I can go or stay in a school.

This kind of education manipulation is certainly not uncommon where I'm from. It's what parents and children did if you couldn't afford the better zip codes or lived on the wrong side of the street. Yes, the difference between great opportunities and poor education is often drawn down the center of a street.

When I heard of Kelly Williams-Bolar, the Ohio single mother who will now receive 10 days of jail time, 2 years of probation, and 80 hours of community service for forging her two kids into a higher achieving school district it literally broke my heart.

AKRON, Ohio - A Summit County woman will spend 10 days in jail after she was found guilty in a school residency case that could set a precedent for Ohio school districts.

Judge Patricia Cosgrove also placed 40-year-old Kelly Williams-Bolar on two years of probation and ordered her to complete 80 hours of community service.

On Saturday, a jury found Williams-Bolar guilty on two counts of tampering with records. She was also facing one count of grand theft, but the judge declared a mistrial on that charge after the jury couldn't reach a verdict.

Williams-Bolar could have been sent to a state prison for up to 10 years, but Judge Cosgrove decided on a 10-day sentence in the Summit County Jail after weighing Williams-Bolar's lack of criminal record with the seriousness of her crimes.

"I felt that some punishment or deterrent was needed for other individuals who might think to defraud the various school systems," Cosgrove told NewsChannel5 after the sentencing.

Prosecutors said Williams-Bolar lived in Akron, but falsified enrollment papers in the Copley-Fairlawn School District so her two girls could attend schools for two years.

Prosecutors said the lies cost the district about $30,000. Copley-Fairlawn does not have open enrollment and out-of-district tuition is about $800 per month.

The school district spent about $6,000 to bring the case to trial. That included hiring a private investigator who followed Williams-Bolar and her children around while secretly videotaping their movements.

Superintendent Brain Poe said Copley-Fairlawn has lost hundreds of thousand of dollars because of parents illegally enrolling their children into the schools.

Poe said residency disputes are usually resolved after parents prove that they live in the district, pay tuition or remove their kids from the schools.

This marked the first time that one of their residency challenges went before a jury in criminal court. Poe said prosecuting this case was meant to send a message.

"If you're paying taxes on a home here... those dollars need to stay home with our students," Poe said.

However, family and friends of Williams-Bolar call this an unfair case of selective prosecution.

"Who's looking at Copley and why they chose this particular young lady, this particular girl and not anyone else?" asked Bobbi Simpson, a friend of the family.

Williams-Bolar is a teacher's aide in the Akron school district and she's pursuing her teaching degree. However, the judge pointed out that Williams-Bolar will not be allowed to be a teacher now that she has a felony record.

Williams-Bolar's father, Edward Williams, also went on trial for grand theft. The jury also couldn't reach a decision on the charge and the judge declared a mistrial.

"They railroaded us. They couldn't get me, but they tried to get my daughter. They wanted to hurt her," Mr. Williams said after sentencing on Tuesday.

Edward Williams is not in the clear.

Prosecutors said he's still facing charges of grand theft and tampering with records for an unrelated fraud case. He's due in court for a status hearing on January 24.

Prosecutors could also decide to retry Williams-Bolar and her dad on the grand theft charges, related to the Copley-Fairlawn school district, that ended in a hung jury.

The only thing I know for sure is that we ALL have a right to better public education. The #1 reason my hubby & I decided to leave our home state was for this reason. I probably did more research on the school district than I did on anything else.

Which leaves a ton of questions. Can we say that fraud is as fraud does and charge all accordingly? Should we abandon school zones and districts in favor of a best school wins all approach? Should the best teachers teach at the best schools or should they have to spend their tenure at under performing schools first? Is this really a felony? If tax dollars are the issue why aren't we considering Williams-Bolar's dad? He paid into the school district. What will happen to her two daughter both so close to graduating?

Your thoughts....

The floor is open.

Also if you think Williams-Bolar sentencing is ridiculous please sign this petition.


Update: Judge Patricia Cosgrove released Williams-Bolar after serving less than a day of her sentence.

Kanye & Jay Z Go Canadian Bacon & Adele Goes Country Strong

Music -- the exhausted frontier. While  we can applaud the efforts of those who dare to stretch and bend the format something strange happens when they actually do.

We expect more!

The first offering from the highly anticipated Kanye West & Jay Z 5 song collaboration "Watch The Throne" was uh...salty, greasy & probably best left alone. 

H.A.M

The song doesn't sync on a few levels. The beat is a rehash of  Rick Ross's "B.M.F" (yet another acronym also produced by Lex Luger), the lyrics are contrived and inconsistent, and it clearly sounds as if the two were no where near each other during the entire process. I'm already bored writing about this.

On the other hand London born "Chasing Pavements" songstress Adele, who already wowed us with her amazing clean soulful vocals on 2008's 19, is back to do it again. It's been noted that this new for her sound exhibited by the first single below was inspired by her bus driver while touring Nashville and the American South.

Adele told Spin Magazine that "He listened to all this amazing country music and we'd rock out late at night, chain smoking and listening to Rascal Flatts", "It was really exciting for me because I never grew up around [that music]."

"Rolling In The Deep" recently caught my attention climbing up the charts on Vh1 Top 20 Countdown. In bed flipping channels I heard the song's intro. It had a thump thump thump momentum that any one within ear shot could tell was about to lead to something great. It didn't disappoint & it was also on my iPod before the video ended.

Adele describes it as a "dark bluesy gospel disco tune" which might be sonically impossible. However, she nails it and when soars, "We could have had it alllllllll", I was a believer.

I think it's a true testament to what an artist can do when they are organically inspired and have an authentic love for music. She will not alienate her fans with the release of next month's 21 in fact she just gained a new one. 

Rolling In The Deep

The Real Love Conundrum

In honor of my imaginary big sister's 40th birthday. Happy Birthday to the Queen of my generation Mary J. Blige!! 

I was chatting with my bestie one night about this idea that single people (& us back in the day) have about finding their true love, their real love. There's an idea that once they find the "one" that the heavens will open up & shine upon their union until the end of days.

Mary J. Blige was still searching for this "Real Love" at the end of her own song. Why? Because it doesn't exist. Well, it does but not in the way some of us believe.
  

...I've been searching for someone to satisfy my every need ...

Whoa! Whoa! Slow down Mary. Who art thou magical person thou speaketh of? This dude doesn't exist --hell that chick doesn't exist. No one can be anyone's everything. And as far as needs go most of us have many of them. That's a tall order for anyone one person to fulfill. Give up the dream.

In real real love, at your best you could never fulfill someone's desires 100%. It's more like 72% on a good day, when you're not tired, and the clothes are already washed, and the bills are paid, and there's nothing good on TV. Have fun trying though.

Here's the real on real love. Once you get all settled & comfy it's pretty:

1. Boring & monotonous & safe. You'll relish in living a secure life. You'll establish a groove of dinner plans and chores. Deciding what movie to see (if you can see anything other than a kids movie) is about as exciting as it gets. True story: about 2 years ago the hubby & I threw out our regular date nights in lieu of Fun Nights. Once a month we would schedule some sort of event. We did everything from see a Jay Z & Mary J Blige co-headlined show to traveling to Las Vegas. Fun times had by all. Did I mention that was two years ago? Sometimes all you can do is keep your house in order. Sometimes dates nights & fun nights out turn into quick trips to Target for paper towels & laundry detergent. You have to learn to enjoy that too. That's real love.

2. There will be sporadic bliss. If you truly love someone to their core you will still have that tingly sensation that is most prevalent in new relationships. That doesn't go away. What does change is how often that happens. My bestie told me about her long holiday weekend while her girls were at grandma's. She & her hubby enjoyed blissful bouts of love & lust & loudness with no one to knock on the doors. This lasted about 2 of the 5 days they had to together. Just like that the bell rang & they went off into their separate corners. The rest of the days were spent working...him on the PC, her on her netbook. They did however remain in the same room and often enough that's as blissful as it will get. That's real love.

3. Nothing left to say. Remember those long meaningful conversations? Remember staying up until the newspaper hit your front stoop & the street lights turned back off engrossed in conversation? Remember weekends? Remember going to work falling asleep at your desk or up against a wall because you sacrificed precious hours of slumber chatting? Remember when you learned something new about that person daily? Well take all of that, ball it up, & toss it out the window. Chris Rock said it best. "At some point you will have heard every single thing [your significant other] has to say." Sometimes I'll be in the mist of an Law & Order SVU episode that I've already seen before...a commercial will interrupt it & I'll notice my hubby to my right. I'll wonder was he here the whole time or did he just sit down. Sometimes it's like that. That's real love.

4. And then they'll be food. Once I went the entire year never making the same chicken twice. Seriously. BBQ chicken, lemon & pepper chicken, chicken tikka, teriyaki chicken on a "steek"...I could go on. What does this have to do with the price of MJB's Melodies sunglasses? Absolutely nothing. My point is this. After you run out of fun things to do, after you've engaged in every meaning convo, after you've exerted all of your energy in horizontal or vertical, or diagonal bliss, you'll have to eat and eating will become your new something to do. You'll try the new local restaurants & drive an hour to sample the best breakfast in Baltimore. "What's for dinner" will become synonymous with "I love you". Growing together will take on new meaning. The couple that stays together gains weight together. That's real love.

5. New focal points. So when you're done cooking chicken 365 ways you have to do something else right? I have a co-worker who practically lives in his garage on the weekends tinkering with his pick up truck. Over the last year it's gone from Sanford & Son to Pu**y Wagon. You think that's stopped him from adding a new engine to the thing. Nope. In fact, I think he's on this 3rd engine. Yet, he has been married for over 20 years--happily. My other bestie's hubby is a truck driver. They've been together for over 15 years and have 4 children the youngest of which is 4. Those couples who do everything together are an anomaly. In real life absence and distance do make the heart grow fonder.  Have hobbies, keep your interests, take time a part. That's real love.
 
 
The beauty of watching the longevity of an artist like MJB is that she's allowed us to grow with her. And I'm not talking about that "Not Gon Cry" "No More Drama" stuff.

Peep just the 1st verse & b-section from "Don't Go" off of 2003's Love & Life CD. 

Everyday is not a perfect day for you and I somedays, 
Some things are just not right.
That doesn't mean that
I don't love you and boy you know its true.
I can't not always please you.
When I look into your eyes.
(When I look into your eyes).
I always see myself.
That means that we are one.
No one else can satisfy this girl the way you do.
I know that love makes all the rules.
[B-Sect:]
Sometimes I say things to hurt you.
And I'll apologize.
Neither one of us are perfect.
So you should realize.

Don't go baby.
Baby don't you go.
Don't go baby.
I still love you so.

Yes, my friends this is real love. Imperfect days, misunderstandings, & the desire to never lose sight of it. But that's just my take. What's yours? What's real love to you?

HomieHubbyFriend A.K.A. The One Where I Told My Hubby To Check Out This Girl's Milkshake

Yes, I have been known to say the darndest things: Babe sit down I'll clean up. You work too hard you should take a day off. Here prop your feet up. Football's on & hey...*hand over netbook with video playing of this here*...welcome home.

I'll wait *sips hot cocoa*.

For those of you brave enough to click the above link you understand. That girl...whew...I mean really...to have the left cheek completely isolated from the right. That takes years of practice. That sista is skilled. I ain't gonna say that I found her on twitter & DM'd her but I found her on twitter & DM'd her. This chick needs a How To video or something. Moving on...like her azz (I couldn't help myself).

Anyway...so would you like to know what the hubby said to me after watching just a few seconds (only a few) of this? Would you like to know of all the azz-tastic things he could have referenced what vile things spewed from his lips? He said,

"She's really talented."

What fo' lawd & all that's right with the world was this comment? I showed you azz...jigggling...I scoured the depths of twitter, inboxed this to no less than 10 of my online buddies & a couple of my sistas who could appreciate her blessings & all you can say is she's really talented? Fo' shame!

And this people is how it went throughout our last minute date night.

I asked if he'll ever be at least 94% comfortable with me. He replied dazed & confused wondering what he did wrong. I stated that I understand that I'm not one of his boys but I used to be & this marriage mess is messing up that part of us.

"So you want me to treat you like one of my boys? You don't even let me call y'all 'females'."

"Well we're not cattle & 'female' is a slippery slope to bytch. But no, I don't wannt just be one of the guys...I don't know...I'm confused now." 

And I was. I was remembering my friend, my homie that I used to hang with before things took a left turn to my boo-ville. I was remembering our clubs nights & house parties. Drinking games & miniature golf. I was remembering the days before we became an us with a marriage license.

"I guess I'm just wondering when I got trapped in the wife only box." This is the part where the convo starts making no sense at all. I mean don't women aspire to be the WIFE? Isn't that the goal for some?

"I was the last person you sent that link to. You put ME in the husband box too." He had a point. But still what is this all about, I wondered. The other night I played sneak attack text with him from my iPod & a random phone number. Not only did he not care about this "other woman" flirting with him, he didn't tell me about her, and he made sure to tell the "mysterious chick" that he was married. Lawd, how nice is this guy?

"So you want me to treat you like a jerk? You wanna be disrespected & watch me check out other women?" 

"Okay, I realize that all of this is insane. I mean...I'm complaining about you treating me with dignity & respect. This has got to be one for the books."

"Listen, I know you don't have many guy friends like you used to..."

"Yes!!" I cut him off. "That's it! Ding, ding, ding. Waiter give this man a drink! *drum rolls on table* That's it. I don't have any guy friends anymore. You are now my only guy friend. If we can't talk sports, music, & booty then I am screwed."  

And it could get real dull around these parts. I'm curious to know what you guys think. I realize my logic is not typical woman speak. I also realize that my hubby is part of a dying breed of gentlemen.

Am I insane to want my hubby to discuss all things bootay with me? Or should I stay in the sane lane of respectful days and loving nights & blah blah blah snore blah??

The floor is open. 

Shhhhhhhhhh

Psssst...*taps you (yes you) on shoulder*

Ok, can you keep a secret? No, well neither. That's why I'm telling you (yes you). So I'm having fun playing with my iPod right & my work hubby adds a texting app on it because...well my cell phone only makes phone calls. If you text me PLEASE expect a 1 letter reply. K? Cool.

So anyway the text free app assigns some random local number to the iPod & so I proceed to cyber stalk the Fidge who is down the hall in her room. It went something like this:

Me (from random local #) : I'm texting u, I'm texting u. 


Fidge: Who goes it?


Me: I'll never tell...


Fidge: ..this is creepy....WHO GOES IT?? I feel like my life is in danger!


Me: Bhaw ha ha ha ha ha!!


Fidge: C'mon tell me! 


Me: Well at some point u should call the authorities or at least phone a friend...or someone down the hall. 


Fidge: o.o Madre???

Yes, tis I & the jig was up. Then I realized the hubby was off work & since he was riding home shot gun with his co-worker we could do a lil sexting. Safety 1st yes? 

So I text him: [insert mild flirty statement]. No response. Huh? This from the man who takes his phone to bathroom.

I tried again: [insert naughty perverted statement] Still nada.Well, this isn't any fun.

So I close with some carefully worded phrase about how I'm sure he's on route to some gorgeous chica blah blah blah-- have a nice life-- blah blah blah. I got zip from him.

But when the hubby gets home he's 12 levels of giddy. I mean he's all kinds of affectionate & laying his head on my pillows while I kiss his forehead. He says he has a headache but he doesn't want to take any Excedrin since it has caffeine & blah blah blah--who smiles & acts this giddy with a headache? No one I know.

He jumps up & starts going through his 3 minute ritual. Take off watch, put in box. Loosen tie & hang. Wallet, loose change in their place & slacks rehanged. This is indeed a process. Then he leaves to eat  the dinner I left for him & I watch the inside of my eyes.

This morning I thought maybe he never got my texts. Maybe he's just happy to be home for the next 2 days. I'll check his cell to see if the texts came through.

I check the spot where his phone has been for the last 4 years & guess what? No phone. It's not there. I check the kitchen still no phone.

Okay, but my 2nd plan was to call from the car to make sure he got Dood to school on time. Can't call him if his phone isn't nearby right?

So I gently wake him, tell him I'm leaving, & let him know that I would have called if I knew he would hear his phone. This man with one eye open, arms around my waist, says, "Oh, it's around here somewhere."

Really? This from the guy who took random calls while I was in labor. This from the guy who left his phone in the car during last years blizzard & went outside in low cut sneakers to get it.

I smooched him & left. SMH'ing all the way.

I told my bestie (who has know my hubby longer than me) this story this morning & she says, "Girl you don't know what you just did for him." I agree. As much as I love him up & flirt with him getting a little attention from "another woman" does much for ego. And the smile on his face last night was priceless.

So I told my work hubby the texting tale & he says, "Why did you set that man up for failure?" Huh?? Whatever do you mean? He thinks I should tell him it was me. He's a killjoy.

But I think it's kinda fun leaving him clueless. Plus, who doesn't enjoy a little casual flirtation from someone other than your S.O. What do you think (yes you)?? Should I tell the hubby that the random sexter was moi or leave him in flirty bliss?

The text-gate is open.

Jazmine Sullivan is taking a Sade

Jazmine Sullivan and her amazingly heart pounding voice are taking a break from the industry. Well...maybe. She posted this on twitter last night & like all things interesting it was deleted. But not before it was retweeted & copied.

"i'm making an official announcement that i am taking a break from music ... i'm trying to figure out who i am ... w/out a mike, paper or pen. i promised myself when it wasn't fun anymore i wouldn't do it. and here i am. i love u all and appreciate u soooooo much ... u have no idea how much u've inspired me and fed my ego. but the truth is that i have to believe in me whether you all do or not. and thats what i'm lookin for. that belief in myself. me. I. i love us. thanks for being here for me and riding with me on this journey. let us continue."

Usually when an artist makes this kind of announcement it's after years spent in the industry. What makes Sullivan's statement unique is that her sophomore offering was just released at the end of November 2010.

"Holding You Down(Goin' In Circles)" was a summer smash & definitely rode the local DMV (DC, MD, VA) airwaves but her follow up "10 Seconds" failed to make the same impression. Nonetheless, it seems too early to throw in the towel, drop the mic, & exit stage left.

While today's music artist are petrified to take a break claiming that their fans will forget them, Sullivan seems more concerned with her personal well being. This is admirable and it may work for her.Other artists such as Sade have built careers taking time off to live, breathe, and be organically inspired. The major difference is that Sade's career began before Ms. Sullivan was even born.

Time and twitter will tell the final tale. But for now, I'm sure the deleted tweets were more about seeking attention and/or posturing for her record label & less about self discovery.